Allison

I gave in. I'm playing Guitar Hero. LOL but you should hear youngest sing. It's "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" (Breath)"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" (etc)

It drives Ben out of the house. But they have so much fun. lol

She ate the sub woofer of the thousand dollar, maybe two week old stereo. She made us take apart the dryer to get her out of it, twice. She made thumps and squeaky wheel sounds all night. She could be a pest.

But she brought joy to our lives as well.

It's so hard to watch something die. We held her as she jerked and then died. This time it was at the vet instead of in my bedroom. But she didn't feel any pain. In fact she tried to inspect the vets office to the very end. People may say, jeez, all that fuss over a little bitty thing. Just go get another one! No.

Annabell, our hamster, is gone. She had a stroke we think. I found her laying in the corner she used as a toilet this morning while I was getting the boys ready for school. She couldn't use the entire back half of her and her little feet were blue. It was about noon when the shot took effect.

But even something so little and relatively insignificant, has a light. And it's hard to watch that light go out. And then all you have is an empty shell in your hand.

I've been having a hard time recently. Poor Ben has been trying to pick up the slack for me. The boys spent today at my mom's. I slept the whole day. I hope that I'm just fighting off something, but the agoraphobia is kicking my ass as well. I'm only outside if I have to be, and that's usually at night. (Other than taking the boys to school with Ben.) Please pray. I don't want to relapse. I don't think Ben can take it.

I hate being a failure.

Ben found this for me. Wow. Really, wow.

By Ari Brouillette (Kensington, CA United States) - See all my reviews

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Here's the URL

"But, Spock! What IS it?"

And then there's my question. What is Lieutenant Kyle doing on Helm?? He's the Transporter operator!

"Keptin! the stars are gone!It is werry strange!"

Today is the second Wrestling tournament for the boys. Sorry I didn't get the news out sooner. Wish them luck! (course it's a no-points system, but anyway...:) I'll post some pictures of them later in their wrestling outfits.

Well the snow has the boys home for pretty much THE WEEK. This means that they get an extra week of Christmas break. Gah! And just when Netflix puts Star Trek original series on watch instantly! My poor life! Boo hoo!

Rowan is loving it. ;)

I got a whole bunch of Christmas cards out. I'm still trying to locate some addresses though. And I have the boys school pictures to send out in them. Ben still wants to take 'better' pictures of the boys. Maybe them out in the snow..... That'd be tricky though, getting the lighting right and stuff.

Well I'm off to make Pokemon Mac 'n Cheese. Later!

Well I've gotten a lot of Christmas cards sent out. If you'd like one send me a message with your info and I'll send you one with the boys new school pics and everything.

They had their first match today. 5 or 6 schools were packed into that gym. it went from chilly to downright warm *fast*. I ended up going from one side to the other bringing Gatorade to them both. Ben got their stuff on video. They look so cute in their little singlets.

The boys have wrestling practice tonight. They got their outfits on Tuesday. They are going to look so cute in them! Anyone who wants to come, can. It's at Glencoe High at 6 pm. Later

WALL-E - Loved it. Watched it twice, and then bought it.

Transporter 2 - Good. Good. Little too much gratuitous lingerie though.

Domino - Sucked *Mighty* ass.

Hancock - Funny as heck. Bought it.


Read the Twilight books. Good.

The boys have a crap load of Pokemon from the library now. Ought to get us through till wrestling practice. Oh yeah, the boys are in wrestling. They love it. Laters

I am so upset right now. I just read a post from a college friend about her sister, and getting an abortion, and...........

It's so hard! I want to scream and rant and shout recriminations....but what will that do? nothing. Nothing but make a bad situation worse. So I /will/ pray. I will pray that that baby makes it to full term, or at least born able to live. I will pray that God will place him/her in a good home. And I will ask Him if he wants us to be it.

As anyone who has studied the Bible knows, Matthew 19:13

" 13Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.

14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 15 When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there."

And Mark 9:42

42"And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck."


My son was born at 4lbs 14 oz. He was taken from me within the hour to go to a special hospital for premature babies. He came home with us at 4lbs. 4 oz. He struggled with eating. I was so sick, I almost died. And it happened again with my second son. He fared better than his brother though, because I knew what was coming. But no matter what, I made sure those boys had the best chance I could give them.

Some people say abortion is alright if the life of the mother is in danger. Bullshit. Plain and simple Bullshit.

We are dust, and to dust we return. There was nothing, trackless void. And then God made everything. Adam himself was just dust until God breathed life into him. Eve - the same.

"He knew me before I was even born."

How can anyone condone, through action, or inaction, the murder of a child God brought into being after reading what David wrote in Psalms?

People say, "I'm trusting God to make it right."

James 2

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?

18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. "


Yeah, Trust God. But pack a lunch. Lol, one boy did that and God used to to feed 5000 people! But if anyone still has doubts about if it is a baby, or a fetus....then you are going to be one of those that says, I did things in Your name! And He will say "I never knew you."


Jeremiah 1:5a
5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,"

I've had birds before. When we moved to Ben's parent's place, we had to give them away. But before that, one of them died. She had complications with an egg. It's called egg binding and basically, it gets stuck. And if the bird can't get it out, she dies. Jackson died that way.

And now it has happened with this batch of 'keets. Sweetie, the first one I bought; the one who would actually step up when told, is dead. She died about 10 minutes ago. She gave a convulsive jerk, and then was gone. I've stayed with her since Ben pointed her out on the bottom of the cage. But we didn't find it soon enough I guess.

Well, Ben says she went out more comfortably because of the heating pad and the attention. So that's good.

It went well. Ben dropped us off, and we found the classrooms. Rowan got settled just fine. Jared lost sight of me for a minute and got scared and upset, but then I figured out where he had gone and took him to his room. He calmed down right away, and then once we got the other Jarod (different spelling) out of his seat, he found that there weren't any red or green crayons. I had run out of ideas at that point, when the school counselor peeked in She took us to her office; found some crayons under the piles of legos, and other such piles of toys (*grin* total chaos of toys on the shelf. Nice and homey) and told Jared he could pick whatever colors he wanted and he could keep them. He got settled just fine after that. He felt better once things were as they should be. (kid being in his spot, no colors, his papers colored on, etc. Bothered him.)

I told him I was going to peek in on Rowan and they were both fine. I went and sat outside the counselor's office and waited for a little bit and then Ben took me home. Now I just have to get some chores done and then go get them at 2:20.

I hope today goes well and tomorrow also.

And I appear to be one of them. He comes home and disapproves of everything he finds out happened today.(I found out it's not criticism. I have to be careful about assigning adjectives to his actions.) And it's not going to end either. And then he wonders why I'm so distant from him. If all I'm going to get from him is negative feedback, tales of his stress from work, flack about how I conducted my day, and the backlash that is his inability to leave the stress 'at' work.... I don't know? Could there actually be reason behind leaving him in the living room to be a pissy bastard on his own?

Here's the thing.

He has the right to scrutinize, inspect, criticize, and make me feel like shit about everything I say or do.

I have no autonomy anymore. He keeps saying, I could make a go of it on my own if I had to (with the boys or not) but he doesn't believe it nor does he treat me like it.

He has no faith in me nor does he trust me.

Why am I still here? Oh yeah, because I have nowhere to go. I couldn't even do a separation if I wanted to. I have nowhere outside this apartment to go. I have no credit. (Well, horrible actually. We've kept his great! Who cares about paying the bills in my name?)

All that matters now is to smile and make sure that the boys think I'm happy. Take my God-cursed pills, and go back to the lifestyle I was forced into as a child.

I have to be the good little christian girl that obeys and smiles and is never unhappy or messes up. It's been months since I was truly ME.
The fact is, nobody wants me for me. They want me for who they think I should be. Doesn't matter if I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and a Panic Disorder. Doesn't matter if it is so bad, my doctor is going to fill out the social sec. disability papers for me. A DISABILITY PEOPLE!

No. I have to be a perfectly normal person. And you'd think, coming from a family who had a child who lived his life with one and died of it even that he'd understand. No. I'm made to feel less because of it.

Happy birthday to meeeee
I'm almost thirtyyyyyyyyyy
Happy birthday to meeeee eeeee.
I'm an old fart you see!

The Boys are home, so if you want to see them, now is the time. We take them back in time for school on Saturday.

So I went and did a Dumb Thing. I went and looked up a whole bunch of movies from my Netflix list and put them on hold at the library. So now I'm getting daily calls saying I have items in. I have so many books and movies to go through! And I went and got books from Plato, Columbus' Journals, Dante's Inferno, Shakespeare, and the Prydain chronicles by Alexander Lloyd (cute books).

I've also been kicking some ass on Lego Star Wars. I'm invincible, I have a x48 bonus, etc. It's so cool. And I'm over 55% done. Yehaw.

So we go to get the boys on Saturday. Jared's birthday was the 11th, (Ben's the 10th) and Rowan will actually be home for his on the 24th. I reminded him of his aunt's birthday just before his and I got a "Mom, I know. Like, duh mom. lol.

We are going to have a bowling party that week too. I'm thinking Wednesday, but I have to confirm it with the bowling alley. If you can come, they'd love it. I'll post it on here when I get it figured out.

Well, I'm going to finish this book before subjecting Ben to cheesy movies (he's lucky I didn't' make him watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.

I spent a good chunk of the afternoon yesterday at the Library. I read 2 books while there and when we came home, we watched 2 movies from Netflix. I was pissed when they killed Optimus Prime (1980's something). Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Lost World was good though. We were listening to the radio on the way there and the pastor said something interesting.

"They will not seek,
they must be sought.
They will not come,
they must be brought.
They will not learn,
they must be taught."

I need to investigate the verse that says something about the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man. When I first read that in a book, I was pissed. I though they were misquoting the Bible. Turns out Andy knew that it was a verse. That changed my opinion of the writer very much. But a Wrinkle in Time is still just to confusing and a bit too scary for me to read to the boys. R got nightmares from wizard of Oz. So how do I find great classis kids books without scaring the beejeebers out of my son? I had to skip the line where she tells them how to kill the puppies, because I know it would end up in R's dreams. J has them too, but he doesn't share his feelings as openly as R. Such different personalities.

I have a picture here on my desk of them at the Zoo. I think Heather took it. Lol, I tell Ben that we made good lookin kids. I so want them home. We will be trying to throw a party for them down in Coos Bay for them to say goodbye to their friends. But I don't think I'll have the energy to plan another for when they get here. Anybody want the job? *grin*

Well, compared to where I was last time I posted, I've come miles. I have been slipping back into a few behaviors, but I am also switching medications and have come completely off the sedatives. That was encouraging.

So for you who are asking, yes, the boys are coming home this summer. For good. Ben and I are scared, but looking forward to it. Now that they are bigger it represents things we haven't ever dealt with yet. School, after activities, many more things that will require me to get out of the house and deal with people. And I am sorry to admit, but since mid December, when I started switching meds, I have been staying in the house more. It's called cocooning. I have been making more of a spot for myself and not leaving it. I know what's happening, but it's still hard to fight. It's starting to effect Ben. I know how much of a drain and burden I am to him.


Anyway, it's not as bad as it used to be. Yes, I am slipping a bit, but I have knowledge and skills that I didn't' have before. I have hope this time.

Episode 1 - Wednesday. Found bird in cheese grater in closed cupboard.

Episode 2 - Found missing hamster inside the housing of the dryer. Had to pull the whole unit out, and then she came out on her own, because she was curious as to what we were doing. Ben put the side of the dryer back on, and in the morning we replaced it in it's original spot and put the doors back on.

Episode 3!!!- We come home from Shari's and find that I had forgotten to close the door to her cage. So we looked a bit and then we sat down and listened. After about 5 minutes, I heard a small *thud*. "Gotcha!"

I open the coat closet door, and lo and behold, she comes out from behind the water heater to see what all the commotion is.

She's so stinking cute.....but her little Indiana Jones episodes are, um, while entertaining, worrisome. Next Time, I bet it'll be the sub woofer.